We all
tell ourselves stories about our lives. It is a prove of our consciousness. Life
is like a roller coaster. Sometimes it can go up, go down or maybe a sudden
turn of upside down. We cannot control life, but at least we can control our
version. The one thing we should always do, as long as we are breathing, is to
look for ways to grow and maximize our potential.
First and foremost, life reminds me that I am alive and this is a gift and a
privilege to be in this world. Yes, I have my ups and downs in my life and that
is not easy to get through it but I survived. There is always a gap
between who I am and who I wish I could be. A hole that I keep telling myself
and can only be filled with discipline, hard work, and sometimes more than a
little frustration. There is a question, though, that always makes me
wonder, “What happens if I let go of expectation?” . It was quite hard time to
face the improvement of life. Sometimes, I am so exhausted of trying to improve
myself all the time that I do not want it anymore. I just want to be myself, to
do what I like, to have time and to enjoy my life. Self-improvement has been a
rallying cry in my life for a quite long time. The vision of a better me kept
me going when I wondered if all the time and effort I was putting into
something was really worth it. However, it turns out to be the most important
thing in my life.
My life began to change right after the senior year when I was so worried about
what major I had to take and which university I had to go in. On that day, I
did not have any idea who I really wanted to become. My parents wanted me to go
to Hangtuah University and became a doctor. Believe me, I knew how must that
feel to become a doctor, it was all about pride and honor. I was so confused
and struggled because there was a part of me kept saying, “There is no way I am
going to med-school, that is insane and I do not want to live under pressure.” Nevertheless, the other half me kept saying,
“How hard would it be? Besides, you do not want to let down your parents and it
will be an act of gratitude if I do it because they are going to pay for my
study and want a better future for me by becoming a great and wonderful doctor.
So, if anyone can get in, I can too. It is just that simple.” It took me days
to gamble and think about another possibilities and majors. I told them I was
afraid to take that chance and go to med-school because the cost was way too
much and I did not really like it, instead, I would like to take hospitality
and tourism major if they granted it. I realized I did not have passion in
medical thing or becoming a doctor. Yes, I was so aware of that but I really
did not want to waste the opportunity and let my parents down too. Furthermore,
they kept pushing me and after having some debates and arguments with my
parents, I decided to go to med-school as they wished.
The first year was not so bad and difficult
and I did not have any problems at all. I got friends, good score, a lot of new
knowledge and I felt like I could finish my study here. The first and second semester
I learned fundamental basic of science such as human’s organs and its functions,
vitamins, blood streams, metabolism and generic medicines. Those were easy to
learn because they did not have much differences in what I learned when I was
in high school. It was a good time, anything was great, my parents were so
happy with my score and then at the beginning of the third semester I got my
first boyfriend. I thought that was the happiest thing in my life but I was
wrong and that began to change my life.
As the second year began, there were
new laboratories major to learn such as histology, anatomy, patology-anatomy,
physiology, microbiology and skill lab. Besides, there were also five main
topics such as hematology, dermatology, endocrinology, reproduction’s system,
and cardio- vascular’s system. My schedule began too tight that I did not have
enough time for myself to relax or spent my time with my family, my friends and
my boyfriend. I gave all my time and only focused on studying. I studied right
after I went home and mostly finished by midnight or even past it. Especially
when it came near the midterm and final test, I could study from morning till
dawn and sometimes I hardly recall to get something to eat. I began to feel
exhausted, go under pressure and frustration.
Like I said before, I have my ups and
downs and the second year in med-school was my turning point of life. My score became
worse and I was not able to understand the lessons especially the skill lab and
cardio-vascular’s system. I failed in some subjects and I could not take the fourth
and fifth semester but to repeat the whole second and third semester. I was so
upset and that made me lose my temper and hopes. I told my friends about what
I felt but they did not really understand and then I told my boyfriend but he
was not helping either. I felt lonely in this hard situation and I did not have
guts to tell my parents. I got angry and blamed myself and even God. I kept
asking, “Oh God, why all of this had to happen to me, I mean when I thought
everything was fine and could not get worse but it turned out it could” . I was
complaining mostly everyday, instead of praying and asking for God’s help. I
was struggling between holding on and taking the semester again or giving up and
resigning from med-school. This breakdown was so tough that I could not even bear
my thoughts anymore. Every time I tried to lie down, well, my mind just got away
and I could not sleep. Then I thought that I used to recognize myself, I knew
what I wanted but it was funny how reflections changed so fast. I tried to push
this problem up the hill, but I knew it was just too heavy to hold.
As the time went by, a new problem
came up. I caught my boyfriend cheating on me and we broke up. My emotion heightened
and once again I blamed God, “Why is problem keep coming up? Why did You let it
happen to me? Did I do anything wrong? I have already failed in my study and
now this!” . After that, I decided to tell my mother because I could not keep
it for myself anymore and it could make me insane. I confronted my mother, told
her everything that has been going on and that I could not take it anymore and
I just want to resign and do what I like. I told her that I would take any
consequences of what I have done. My mother cooled me down, cheered me up and
just held me tight. Then the next moment, she said that she agreed and
supported all of my decisions and would help me to explain everything to my
father. What my mother did, I could not even understand, I thought that she
would have got very mad at me but she did not. I learned a lesson when I asked
her desperately, “Mom, why do I have to fall and feel this breakdown?” . My
mother simply said, “You have to fall first in order to get yourself up and do
not take anything as a burden because God always has a better plan for you” .
In that moment I realized no one could help me but God and myself even in the
darkest time and that became my motivation to change. I stopped asking “why” to
God, instead I prayed and asked for forgiveness. Then I encouraged myself and
told my father that I wanted to resign. My father was so angry and mad at me, but
deep down I knew that it was not anger that caught him but sadness and
disappointment. He refused my decision at first but then I told him that after
I had resigned, I would work for a year but not in family’s company to earn
some money and use it to pay for my study because I intended to take another
major that I like and I would keep my responsibility and would not do the same
mistake that I have made. Finally, he agreed hesitately. I knew it was not
easy to trust someone again especially after you got hurt deeply.
By the end of the fourth semester, I
resigned from Hangtuah University. Yes, it was a tough decision that I have
ever made. I have to give up my pride and honor and I feel ashamed of it. I
began to apply in many job vacancies. It turned out that seeking for a job was
difficult but I kept praying and believing. However, after two months of
silence, a Spikoe company called me and they accepted me to work for them. I
got a good salary and it was a grateful moment and I thanked to God. My parents
appreciated my effort and encouraged me. After that, everything kept getting
better and better. My relationship with God and my parents have restored. A
year later, I went into English Department at Widya Mandala University.
Life has taught me some lessons and
important things in my life. No matter how hard the situation, the sorrow and
the pain, only you can change your world for a better tomorrow. Do not dwell in
the past and complain but try to accept all problems that have happened in this
life because those what build our character and motivation to be a better
person. Moreover, hard work and confidence are needed. Most importantly, always
get a hold and believe in God.
